


stretch out and wait

by thechapwiththearms



Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: F/M, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Marriage, Mental Health Issues, Monologue, Period Typical Attitudes, Suicidal Thoughts, and tired (tm), anger issues, marvin is sad (tm)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:34:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23313973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thechapwiththearms/pseuds/thechapwiththearms
Summary: Marvin reflects. Set between act 1 and act 2.
Relationships: Marvin/Trina (Falsettos), Whizzer Brown/Marvin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 18





	stretch out and wait

**Author's Note:**

> CW for a mention of suicidal ideation but there’s no actual death/attempt

**3 a.m.**

Shifting restlessly, Marvin stared up at the ceiling and exhaled wearily. He hadn’t been sleeping much lately, but no matter how tired he got, he couldn’t seem to get any rest. It had been just under two years since he had left Whizzer - they hadn’t spoken since and, no matter how hard he tried (and he tried _hard_ ), he couldn't forget about him, nor disperse the guilt over the fit of rage that had brought about their parting. Marvin hated himself for treating Whizzer so awfully, but he couldn’t yet bring himself to apologise, or even to contact him at all. This, however, was not for want of love for Whizzer, nor for fear of rejection or malice from his ex. If anything, what he was most afraid of was himself - he was worried he would lose control again, just as things are starting to fall back into place. He didn’t trust himself. Not yet, at least.

Marvin had a tendency to fly off the handle when placed under any emotional pressure. He had tried to work through this issue with Mendel, but the wiry psychiatrist was, as usual, of little aid. Not even prescription drugs had helped - he cycled through Prozac, Celexa, Zoloft, and even Xanax, all in an effort to curb his hostile episodes, all to no avail. Reflecting on his rage only made him seethe for longer. He felt naive. Emotionally stunted. Childish. Yet, he couldn’t help himself. A snide remark from Whizzer or a roll of the eyes from Trina, and he would see red, losing regard for anyone’s emotions but his own. He needed to get his temper under control if he was going to reconcile with Whizzer, or Trina and Jason, for that matter.

In a rather out of character move, more as something to pass the time than anything else, Marvin began to reflect. He wondered what exactly caused these outbursts; it was obvious to anyone who knew him that Marvin had a lot of things repressed. Hell, he grew up as a gay kid in the 1940s and 50s, he felt that it would be strange if he _wasn’t_ at least somewhat repressed. 

Against his better instinct, he thought back to the day he tended to pretend didn’t happen more than any other, the day that he couldn’t help but feel confirmed his own selfishness and naivety: his wedding day. Trina’s wedding day.

——————————

_“Marvin Dominique Feldstein…”_

_No._

_“Do you take Trina Alice Schultz…”_

_**No.** _

_“To be your lawfully wedded wife?”_

_Marvin swallowed thickly. He was going to die here. Right here, he was going to collapse into a pile of limbs. He was going to die. That would actually be preferable than having to say anything right now, he thought. He wished the ground would open up and take him. He wished that he had never met Trina. He wished he wasn’t such a coward. He wished he wasn’t queer. He wished he’d offed himself before the service had started. In fact, he had written a note and everything. Left it on the big oak vanity beside his good cufflinks, sealed envelope and all. Addressed “to Trina and Jason.” An attempt to explain away what might have been were it not for Trina bounding into his hotel room in a half-zipped wedding dress, darting about in an affront to find her veil. He had torn the note up behind his back, out of her view, and scattered it into the trash can beside him._

_He ground his teeth with all of his might swallowed again. Say no._

_“I do.”_

——————————

To this day, Marvin was still unsure what made him say those two words. They certainly weren’t what he was thinking, and they certainly weren’t what he wanted. He wasn’t even sure they were what Trina wanted to hear. Nonetheless, he had said them, and thus began perhaps the most turbulent marriage to ever have existed. Marvin knew he could never love Trina in the way she needed him to, and he felt endlessly guilty about exploiting her love to preserve others’ perception of himself. What’s more, Jason acted as the glue to their relationship most of the time, constantly caught between arguments, and now caught between houses. During Marvin and Trina’s marriage, both parties were painfully aware that the child was one of the few reasons they remained together for so long. Another life altered for the worse by his incompetence, Marvin thought.

He reflected some more on his wedding day.

——————————

_After the shitty function-hall party had started to die down, Marvin left without a word to any of his guests, and without Trina. He couldn’t stand to say a second longer and she was still saying her - rather long - goodbyes to friends and family. The weather had turned whilst they were inside, and any cabs that might have been around earlier were long gone, so Marvin trudged back to the hotel through violent wind and rain. He sobbed the entire way, constantly picking up his pace until he was practically sprinting, rain and tears mixing and stinging his eyes as he ran helplessly. If he could just run fast enough, he thought, he might be able to escape all of this._

_Frozen fingers fumbling with the doorknob, Marvin made his way into the more comfortable but still unwelcoming warmth of the hotel lobby. Ignoring the concerned glances from the receptionists, he tore off the ruined boutonnière he had pinned to his sodden lapel and tossed it in a trash can that sat just inside the doorway, as if he were trying to rid himself of any physical evidence that this was really happening._

_Making his way to his room (and treading rain and mud through the lobby and halls of the otherwise spotless hotel in the process), Marvin continued sobbing. In fact, it felt like he would never stop; after this, how could he ever stop? Once inside, he tore off his suit, made his way to the pristine en-suite bathroom and sat shivering in the empty bathtub._

_“I am so dumb,” he muttered as he clenched at his knees, knuckles whitening, seeking some kind of support._

——————————

If Marvin remembered correctly, he had cried for the rest of the night, ignoring the numerous frantic door-knocks from both Trina and Jason. Though his physical state improved the next day, Marvin remained in this state mentally for the remainder of his marriage to Trina. Every day guilt and remorse consumed him whole, yet he never truly expressed either of those emotions. Instead, they seemed to pass through a filter that turned them to anger whenever he opened his mouth. Every argument would end with him screaming and some other poor soul cowering or sobbing, just as he was on that day years ago.

The wedding now seemed both centuries ago and startlingly recent. Though so much had happened since, and so many years passed, the emotions that Marvin had felt that day were still raw and unexpressed. Even meeting - and loving - Whizzer years later did not open him up in the way he hoped it would. Marvin had hoped that finally admitting his love for a man would open his emotional floodgates and help him get over Trina, especially since he truly did love Whizzer (even if he never showed it). Instead, his anger was merely redirected towards the poor man he was dating, who didn’t deserve any of it.

And now, he had lost Whizzer too. Marvin felt utterly directionless and, for the first time in his life, defeated. Since he had split up with Whizzer, Marvin had fallen into a mindless eat-sleep-work routine with very little in between, merely going through the motions as if he were programmed to do so. Only at night, when left alone with his thoughts, did he allow his mind to drift back to those he had left behind, and, God, did he miss Whizzer. Even the things he thought he could never miss - the bad cooking, the shoes indoors, the whining, the teasing, the eye-rolls - felt as if they were missing now he was gone. 

Was he ready to talk to him again? Marvin had no idea. How was he supposed to know when he was ready? Would he ever be ready? Would Whizzer ever want him again after the first time being such a trainwreck? His mind spun. He huffed, rubbing his tired eyes.

Marvin resolved to think some more on the matter tomorrow. Rolling over to turn his bedside lamp off, he realised he hadn’t turned the pages of the calendar on his wall in a while. Sighing again, he slid out of bed to turn the pages to match the current month. In doing so, he saw “JASON’S BASEBALL GAME” scrawled messily one one of the squares, corresponding to a day a couple of weeks into the future. Marvin smiled weakly - at least that was something to look forward to.

**Author's Note:**

> i was inspired to write this whilst listening to ‘i know it’s over’ by the smiths because i am Sad and Gay


End file.
